The First

 The first blog post. Here it goes. I sit here while my kids play in their rooms. It is 18 minutes until bedtime. Lights out bedtime and we haven’t even started bedtime routine. No doubt in my mind that in approximately 2 minutes the kids will either fight with each other or fight with their Dad and I about the fact that it is bedtime yet again in their life. How many times does it have to be bedtime. Dad and I don’t like bedtime but we do love after bedtime. We are off duty once those kids get their goodnight squooshes. ( okay we like to pretend we are off duty, but parents are never off duty.) In those too few minutes between the kids bedtime and the parents bedtime we finally get to try and relax. Hahahaha! Like that ever happens but we do try. The dishes are never done, there are toys out, laundry to be done and so on. Life is joyous, crazy, sad, scary and every emotion in between. 

See, I live with anxiety. Most days it is manageable, some days non existent , but days like today it shows it’s ugly face. My anxiety started when my son was only a few weeks old. It started as post-partem depression. I was so crabby all the time and my patience was no where to be found. Every night the world would end. Then one day I couldn’t breathe. My 4 year old had to call my husband who ran home from work and called 911. The kindest older fireman helped talk me through how to regulate my breathing and calm down. That day I called the doctor. My mom was able to go with me to my first appointment. I filled out surveys and my doctor gave me a hug. Just admitting I needed help and to know I wasn’t alone was a big relief. I talked with counselors and began meds and slowly began to feel like myself again. 

I have good days and bad just like everyone else and just like everyone else 2020 slammed into us like a semi truck and flipped us upside down. The world is weird and everything is new. I was able to make it through a full 11 months before things started to weigh me down. It has been a very hard year in so many ways. Of course the accursed corona was the first weight. But in many ways it was fun. We spent time as family, went on walks, played games and enjoyed life. Life slowed down and it was wonderful. Then on day 2 we were tired of it all! Haha! J/k. My husband was able to work from home, I got to go back to work, kids finally are back in school 2 days a week. The next weight was my maternal grandpa passed away from cancer. We were able to have a funeral the week everything started shutting down. 4 weeks later another weight was added when my paternal grandpa died after getting into a car accident and not being able to recover from his injuries. To add insult to injury we were unable to have a funeral. We made it through summer and began fall, then the largest weight was added. A family member reviewed that they had been sexually abused by another family member for 13 years. This led to a divorce and a family being torn apart. Through all of that we are healing and knitting ourselves closer together than ever before. But... it weighs on you. I have started having more anxiety attacks, felt more alone in a room full of people, felt like I was turning into an agoraphobe and like I was starting to have social anxiety. I have never not been social. I need people, I love to talk and sing and be in a loud room. But here I am wishing to always be alone, home alone. I love love love my family. All of my family. But I find myself wishing to be completely alone even without my kids or husband. I don’t not want them around, I do, but at the same time knowing I need to care for them causes my anxiety to spike. My little boy also gets migraines and along with those he has cyclic vomiting syndrome. We have these symptoms mostly under control which is nice. The one annoyance for me is the fact that the mere mention of him with a tummy ache make me feel sick. So even though he feels better within an hour I feel sick for the next 24 hours. I have noticed in the past few months that even with other people I have sympathy sickness pains and I hate it. 

My stomach is another issue. I went on the IBS diet otherwise known as the FODMap diet per my doctor. We were trying to figure out why I was having issues, after more than a year I have realized it is stress. When I am stress my stomach gets inflamed and I have issues. So pretty much all the time! 

Ok I know I have been complaining. A lot. I love my life my family. I am incredibly blessed, loved and supported. I will never be without family, without food or shelter. I have strong faith that I may take for granted but I believe with all of my being. 

I am writing this blog for me, for my sanity, as my therapy. I want and need to vent. To complain. To spew my anxiety out because I have always known that once I get it out I feel better. The situation may not be fixed but the pressure is released at least a bit. My writings are not professional. I am going to write and post. I am not even going to prof read. So there! If you are here with me reach out. Know that you are not alone. I know that I am not even though it may feel that way at times. Thank you. See you soon.